Reverb 11 Day 13 – Fear

Fear – What scared you this year more than anything else? Did you learn  anything new about yourself?

I think the thing that scared me the most this year was the extend to witch I was feeling depressed.  Everybody has moments or times in their lives where they are down or in a rut, but this year just went to a whole new level of feeling down and depressed.  Normally it just blows over after a while and everything goes back to normal, but somehow this year it just kept getting worse and worse.  The thing that scared me the most about this was that I had no control over it, I couldn’t get out of the rut as much as I tried and things just piled up and got worse and worse.

What I have learned from all this is that sometimes you just need some chemical help just to even things out a bit.  So I took some pills for 2 months, which seems to have helped me just enough to feel that I can manage on my own.  Personally, I am against taking pills, but I have learned that sometimes they do actually help and is your only option.  I have also learned that psychiatrists are condescending, pill-pushing asswipes who make shitloads of money which is the only reason they are in that profession. I don’t like them.

Scary nights

It’s always strange sleeping in a new place and it takes a while to get used to the sounds of a new house, but I have never been as scared living alone as I was on the 2nd night in my new place.  I guess I was so tired on the first night that it didn’t bother me.  That and the fact that my noisy neighbours had a party until the rainstorm put an end to it and then also drowned out all strange noises I might’ve heard.

The 2nd night there was no party and no rain and I swear I heard a noise that sounded like somebody trying to force open a window.  I was instantly awake and naturally focused on every single noise I heard.  It also didn’t help that I didn’t have any curtains up in the rest of the house.  After googling the nearest police station, and putting the number on speed dial on my phone, I finally managed to get up, turn on the lights and look around only to find that there are no forced windows and nothing untoward that I could see.  But the damage was done, I was freaked out as hell and I spent the rest of the night clutching a chef’s knife and every time I dozed off, another noise would wake me.

So the first thing I did yesterday when I got home was stick up some curtains.  I couldn’t hang them properly as I have the curtains with the hooks, and the lounge / dining room have those wooden rods for the loop curtains, but at least I have the windows covered until the weekend when I can go buy some curtain rails and have them put up.

I’m still sleeping with the chef’s knife next to my bed, but think I will replace it with some pepper spray and a taser.  A girl has to be prepared you know and I do live in SA after all.