Tag Archives: feeling lost

Who am I?


Cups of coffee today: 3
Episodes of series watched: 4 and counting
Productive things done: 2
Fitness level: -10

I have been toying with the idea of cancelling my blog and giving up the whole thing, but then I decided I like Kaleidoscopic Chameleon and the theme, but I still wanted to start fresh and new. So, I cancelled all the past posts, categories and tags, and this is me starting over. In a way it is also symbolic of my life; you already have the foundation so you have to work on reconstructing and shaping what you have to become what you want to be. (Blegh, that sound soppy and preachy, but also true.)

It was my 31st birthday 20 days ago (but don’t tell anyone, as I insist on staying 30 until I have some direction in my life) and with that came the all too familiar feelings of a slight panic, suppressed by my insistence on  not having any emotions at all, because I do not know what I want in life or where I see myself when I think of my future. I obviously know that I want lots of money, even more books and all the time in the world to read the books (very unrealistic, I know, and that is part of the problem).

I cannot say that I am happy, or unhappy and I am not content either, yet I have no idea what or who I want to be and do with myself. I do know the one aspect of my life that I am unhappy about, and that is my physical self, which is probably the easiest aspect to fix, compared to my emotional and mental self, which is also messed up or I would not be feeling this lost or confused.  I am starting to cut down on coffee as too much of it gives me headaches, I am also trying to eat better, even though it is hard following the worked out eating plan I signed up with, and then I want need to start exercising again and work on my fitness, which is basically non-existant. I am sure once I start fixing the physical, the rest will start falling into place and I want to use this blog to try figuring out who I really am and who I want to be. I know I was happy once, even though I was still flawed then, but I want to go back to that, or even better than that.